Archives for forwarded mail category

pastor’s business card

Posted on Nov 11, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned in the collection plate. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins:
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”

Genesis 3:10 reads:
“I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

haha!

description of me

Posted on Nov 09, 2007 under forwarded mail | No Comment
According to the zodia sign, this is me.

CANCER WOMAN

When she is in love, she will act both ways. First, Shy and polite trembling to be near you. Second, Attach to you like glue and trying to be with you all the times. She will try to go home with you after work, or have every lunch with you. It is O.K. if you like her too, but if is is not the case, you will feel very uncomfortable.

She hates to be talked about or gossiped by someone else. If she knows she will be very hurt. In nature she is a shy type, except she has been influenced by some other Zodiac. She is not a brave or daring type, so if you like her then you better be the one who start first. She will not accept her true feeling, so if you like here you better tell her first.

She is like a musical note always change in tunes, so one minute she can be funny and cheerful, and one minute she can be sad and depress. Other people may think of her as “Over-acting”, or “Over-reacting”.

When she is depress, she will go out and look for things to make it up. She loves money, and thinks of having “Money” as “happy”, not as “God”. She will not look down at you if you do not have a lot of money, but she will help you make money, save money. She is not an extravagant person and sometimes will tell you not to buy her expensive and not useful gift.

She is the type who enjoy a long and quiet walk. Cancer woman also influenced by the “moon”, so under the moon light she will be fascinating woman.

She has a constant fear for many things. She fear of not being smart enough, not pretty enough. Even if she is not fat, she will not be satisfy. Assuring her of her look would help, because she can change mood 4 times a day.

She is not stingy, but you will not surprise if you see she collecting old or broken junks. She sees that everything are useful to her. She will find a way to re-use it again some day. She is not a jealous type,but possessive.

The best part of her is that she will sacrifice everything for her love one with no limit. Don’t leave her in times of troubles, she will never forget it. She is not a weak type, even she looks like one, Example if you argue with her, she might cry her heart out. Once you left, she will wipe her tears and start clean up her apartment normally.

She is a very careful mother and will look after her kids every steps of the way. If she is a mother of your children, you are at ease, but if she is your mother in law, you are in pain. Not to worry, this type of mother in law will not let her own daughter being an “Old mate”.

She could be moody and argue with you in many little things like many women, but she always wait and want to take care of you. If you argue with her and disappear a few days, she will be waiting for you, but not for long O.K. This kind of testing is risky, try not to do it.

The Cancer woman need 2 things to be happy which are “Work” and “Love”. She can be live in a dusty house, but she can not live in that same house with no Love.

materialistic

Posted on Nov 09, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | 1 Comment
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who’s the pig that did this to you?? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells
them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.”

“If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “Then please you try again.”

Heheheh!

lessons in management

Posted on Nov 09, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | 1 Comment
Lesson In Management

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else…

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 dollars if you let me screw you.” But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her oyfriend…..so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend told her to ask him for $200 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened……

She said, “The b#stard used coins!!!”

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

why beer is always good?

Posted on Nov 09, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | 2 Comments
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

The Italian Job

Posted on Nov 08, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: ” Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: ” An Italian girl!!!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:

“So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!!”

Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman, they are dangerous !

health alert

Posted on Nov 08, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
Health Alert

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Heheh! So everyone stop working! :D

little red riding hood

Posted on Nov 07, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
I got this from a forwarded mail and i thought it’s really funny!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. “My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.” The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. “My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.” Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. “My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.” With that the wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you knock it off, I’m trying to poop!”

the new chairman

Posted on Nov 07, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
BILL GATE RECRUITS A NEW CHAIRMAN

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

MARIO says to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try’

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself ‘ I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room.

MArio says to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?’ So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to
leave.

498 people leave the room.

MArio says to himself, ‘ I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?’ So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.’

Calmly, MArio turns to the other candidate and says `unsa ma na, dong’

The other candidate answers ‘ambot, bay..’

only a quarter?

Posted on Nov 03, 2007 under forwarded mail, inspirational | No Comment
ONLY A QUARTER?

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in Houston, Texas .

Some weeks after he arrived he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, “You’d better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it.” Then he thought, “Oh, forget it it’s only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God’ and keep quiet.”

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, “Here, you gave me too much change.” The driver, with a smile, replied, “Aren’t you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change. I’ll see you at church on Sunday.”

When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, “Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter “

Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as Christians and will put us to the test! Always be on guard and remember that you carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself “Christian.”

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I’m glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder. God bless you; I hope you are having a wonderful day! If you don’t pass this on to anybody, nothing bad will happen; if you do, something good might.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not PROTECT you…

Stay FAITHFUL and Be GRATEFUL

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:8-10