Archives for jokes category

Jewish mom

Posted on Jun 06, 2010 under jokes | 8 Comments

This one is an old joke.. but you might not have read it yet.. read on and have a good laugh….

***
A 20-year-old Jewish girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl and tells them, “Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take responsibility. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”

“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account.”

“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.”

“However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “So, you’ll try again.”

new doc in small town

Posted on Oct 26, 2009 under jokes, straight from the inbox | No Comment

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t’ have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a
half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”

“Huh,” the younger doctor said. “Pretty clever, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.. She complained that she just didn’t
have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?” “Well, just like you did at the last house, I
dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

the bagpiper

Posted on Oct 13, 2009 under jokes, straight from the inbox | No Comment

It’s still a boring Tuesday out here… here’s a joke i got from my inbox some days ago.

***
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I’d never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary ‘n Joseph, I have never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
***

the 3 sons

Posted on Sep 29, 2009 under jokes, straight from the inbox | No Comment

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the first son, “Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” She wrote the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” She wrote the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken
was delicious.”

pecans in the cemetery

Posted on Sep 22, 2009 under jokes, straight from the inbox | No Comment

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me’ said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..’

He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.’

The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’

The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord..’

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all… Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.’

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

joke time

Posted on Jul 16, 2009 under jokes, straight from the inbox | No Comment

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for chocolate and one for regular milk?’

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties.. Mine say five to six.’

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read : ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget….this particular Sunday sermon…’Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.. ‘Without you, we are but dust…’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

jokes for laughs

Posted on Jun 23, 2009 under jokes | No Comment

*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*

Interviewer: ‘What is your birth date?’
Muthu : ‘13th October.’
Interviewer : ‘Which year?’
Muthu : ‘Every year.’
*****

*MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*

The Manager asked Muthu at an interview… .
‘Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?’
Muthu replied: ‘P-O-S-T-B-O- X.’
*****

*MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, ‘Do I look like a foreigner?’
Wife: ‘No! Why?’
Muthu : ‘In London , a lady asked me, ‘Are you a foreigner?’. . that’s why.’
Wife : ?????????
*****

*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village…
Muthu said , ‘No sir, only babies were born here.’
*****

*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to ‘WALK! WALK!’
The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it’s second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But the cockroach didn’t walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, ‘I found it. If we cut a cockroach’s four legs, it becomes deaf.’
*****

*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, ‘You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.’
*****

*MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard

‘* WASH BASIN * ‘
*****

*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*

Interviewer : ‘Just imagine you’re in the 20th floor of a building and it’s on fire. How will you escape?’
Muthu: ‘It’s simple.. I will just stop my imagination. ‘
*****

*Oh… Lastly…. the funniest….*

At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why????????? ???
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read ‘*PRESS*’ pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him… and he did it!

why men are never depressed?

Posted on May 25, 2009 under jokes | No Comment

Some good laugh for all the men out there… got this in my inbox today.

Why Men Are Never Depressed?

Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress = $3,500 Tux rental = $75.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat..
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $3.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Bra Codes

Posted on Feb 10, 2009 under jokes | No Comment

Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes?

A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can’t Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get A Reduction
H. Help Me. I’ve Fallen And Can’t Get Up!

A friend is like a good bra. Hard to find. Supportive. Comfortable. Always lifts you up. Never lets you down or leaves you hanging. And is always close to your heart.

Well, girls, now you know the meaning. :P

3 requirements

Posted on Sep 10, 2008 under jokes | 2 Comments
3 Requirements

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn’t run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.

“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”

“Yes, but are you good in bed?”

“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”