Archives for jokes category

estate planning

Posted on Feb 09, 2008 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
Got this forwarded mail and thought of sharing. It’s funny!

ESTATE PLANNING…………………

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few months, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

onions

Posted on Jan 14, 2008 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
A bit late but thought this is funny!

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.” “Onions?” “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?” The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

pregnant story

Posted on Dec 13, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
A girl pregnant…

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.”

“If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him;

“Then you try again…!”

hehe!

just making sure

Posted on Dec 10, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

hehehe!

husband worried

Posted on Nov 23, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital while waiting for their wives birth  giving.

Then  a nurse came out and told to the first  daddy, “congratulation,  you got twins!”. “Ohh..  maybe its a coincident” said the daddy. “I am working
with the Petronas Twin  Towers”.

Then another nurse came out and told to the second  daddy, “congratulation! you have triplets!” “Wooow!, this is a coincident too” said the second daddy. “I am working for 3M  Corporation”

Another nurse came out and told the third daddy, “Congratulation! Your  wife gave birth 4  babies,” “Thank God !  Maybe this is also a coincident”. “I work in Four Season Hotel!”

While, the fourth daddy-to-be were in uncontrolled  worry. All the 3 daddies  asked him, why are you  seems so  worry??” He  answered, “I am working with Seven-Eleven!”

heheh!

why God made moms?

Posted on Nov 12, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
Second-graders answer questions about the women in their lives.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

joke joke

Posted on Nov 12, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out
riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

“Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”

The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.” “Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my asshole.” And the idiot went to Heaven.

pastor’s business card

Posted on Nov 11, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | No Comment
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned in the collection plate. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins:
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”

Genesis 3:10 reads:
“I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

haha!

materialistic

Posted on Nov 09, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | 1 Comment
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who’s the pig that did this to you?? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells
them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.”

“If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “Then please you try again.”

Heheheh!

lessons in management

Posted on Nov 09, 2007 under forwarded mail, jokes | 1 Comment
Lesson In Management

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office…..but she belonged to someone else…

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 dollars if you let me screw you.” But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her oyfriend…..so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend told her to ask him for $200 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened……

She said, “The b#stard used coins!!!”

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!