Ylan’s Refuge

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this…A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: ” Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: ” An Italian girl!!!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks:

“So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!!”

Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman, they are dangerous !

Health Alert

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Heheh! So everyone stop working!

I got this from a forwarded mail and i thought it’s really funny!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. “My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.” The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. “My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.” Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. “My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.” With that the wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you knock it off, I’m trying to poop!”

BILL GATE RECRUITS A NEW CHAIRMAN

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

MARIO says to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try’

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.

2000 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself ‘ I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room.

MArio says to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?’ So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to
leave.

498 people leave the room.

MArio says to himself, ‘ I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?’ So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.’

Calmly, MArio turns to the other candidate and says `unsa ma na, dong’

The other candidate answers ‘ambot, bay..’

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees”.

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: ” Which of you idiots ate the developer?”

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You FOOL ! For four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don’t eat a person who is working .”

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees”.

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: ” Which of you idiots ate the developer?”

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You FOOL ! For four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don’t eat a person who is working!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,”What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package? ” The dad replies,”Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.” “Cool” says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March….etc.”

har! har! har!

Speeding?

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:

Don’t Mess With Little Old Ladies

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think i’m going to move to Utah, thera are only 100 nuns living there.”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there ae only 50 nuns living there.”

The third guy said, “I want to to go Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there.”

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell… there aren’t any nuns there.”